Just a few yards away, I’m so close. I wanted nothing more than do drop the weights. The pain in my shoulder was so great I thought I was going to pass out. Though it couldn’t even begin to compete with the awful, unspeakable sensation in my lower torso. Dying felt like a better option than finishing, but I couldn’t give up, it wasn’t a choice. I remember reaching a point of complete and utter physical lockdown. Fully exhausted, basketball was suddenly seeming less worth it.
With a migraine so bad I felt like I would black out at any moment. Cramped so badly, I lost all feeling in my legs and almost blinded by the unmerciful sand whipping at my face, I just closed my eyes. I inhaled and exhaled unsteadily for several minutes, when all of a sudden I felt like the only energy I could muster up was from my vocal cords. Out of nowhere I began screaming at the top of my lungs.
“I wanted to be at the top of my game. Money was tight and my gpa
wasn’t impressive, so I needed a scholarship and basketball was going
to get me there.” Those moments of agony would decide my fate.
There’s somebody, somewhere, doing this faster than I am. It felt
impossible. Physically, this felt impossible, only because I hadn’t
convinced myself that it could be done.
3 comments:
Jeff. These two parts are an interesting beginning. I have a few questions and a few comments.
Are you going to build more context to these narratives?
Do we find out if the protagonist makes it to his home?
Do we find out why he is doing this? In the second section we learn more, but are the two stories going to be followed one after the other?
I wonder how the sections are going to be connected.
Also, there is a typographic shift towards the end of each section. Is that on purpose?
Here are a few thoughts as far as writing style goes: (I would also recommend connecting with the writing center, or a faculty member who can help you with creative writing lessons.)
1. I would avoid using words like: very, fully, extremely. These words, when over used, take away from the actual content and becomes a symbol for the overly dramatic. (These words are frequently used by used car salesmen, to give you a context.)
2. Work on finding a variety of ways of explaining your experience. Some expressions are much more original, and some feel a bit less.
3. Please spell check all the time. If there are glaring mistakes, your work becomes that much more unprofessional, in spite of how interesting the work itself might be. Think of spell check as taking the smelly garbage out of the house so that it doesn't override our experience of walking into a home with a home cooked meal waiting for us.
Hello Professor,
Your comments were helpful. These narratives are only a draft, there is much editing needed, but the main idea is there. I'll be mindful of your suggestions as I progress.
To answer your questions:
- There is more context to the narratives as well as a positive conclusive piece that will follow each of them. Anything you've read that appears unresolved will appear in the conclusions, there will always be a positive and uplifting outcome.
- There will be a main introduction to my book that will describe the theme, focus and purpose of the literature that follows. There will also be a brief, more specific intro to each of the narratives.
- Connecting the sections will occur in time. The sections will be divided in chapters, without actually have numeric chapters to "follow". Each narrative will however, have its own theme and hierarchy in order to generate interest per page. Photography will be incorporated as well to provide as life-like a depiction of the emotion conveyed as possible.
- The typographic shift you noticed is meant as a potential side bar to coincide with the main reading in each narrative. That "shift" will be in the form of a personal quote, after thought, beginning thought, reflection, etc...
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